Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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