I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Randomize
