Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
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