If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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