You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
