I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Randomize
