omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
