i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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