i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
