I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
