I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Randomize
