I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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