I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Randomize
