I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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