I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
