I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
