There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
