I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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