This dress was meant to end up on your floor
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
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