He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
