Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Randomize
