I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
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