my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize
