My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
