When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Sober January is a disaster.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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