Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
