You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
