Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
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