And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
