I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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