I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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