I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
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