I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
