I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
