My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
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