i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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