I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
it's like heaven, but drunker
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
