TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
