I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Randomize
