I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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