I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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