How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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