So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
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