It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
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