Soap is not a condiment
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
