If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
