I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
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