i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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