Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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