Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
