Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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