Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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