Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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