I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
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