Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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