I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Randomize
