she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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