dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Randomize
