Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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