I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Randomize
