we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Randomize
